Thanksgiving

Today is Thanksgiving in the United States of America.  Centuries have passed since the first giving of thanks to God for survival and bounty that He granted to the first English settlers of the North American continent, and, while the holiday has become a mainstay of the larger American culture, the meaning has been lost in the rush to meet deadlines, the crush at the supermarket to buy the biggest and best meal ever, and the rudeness in traffic on the way to see family and friends.  And we have become so self-centered as a people that there have arisen groups who will do anything and disrupt life for others simply because they can’t have what they “want” or what they “believe” to be their right.

I’m glad that I was born at just the right time and in just the right place to have experienced the life that I’ve lived; however, I am ashamed of my fellow Americans particularly this year because of the lives of denial which so many are living.  I’ve lived long enough and worked among enough levels of socio-economic diversity to see how each level lives and views the others.  I’ve watched as children at all levels of the socio-economic ladder have been given trophies and gifts for simply showing up, even when they lose a game or contest.  I’ve watched poor performers garner favors from their friends in high places and abuse the privilege beyond measure.  I’ve watched helplessly as people’s homes and businesses have been destroyed because those who wield political and social power incite violence and hate for the sake of perpetuating their own prosperity at the expense of those they propose to help.

At this time of year I’ve also seen many who have never met people such as the single mom whose business was destroyed in Ferguson, Missouri, come to her aid and provide a huge sum of money with which to replace that which was lost at the hands of ignorant, entitlement-minded people who have never met Jesus and surrendered their lives to his Lordship.  Had they done so, rather than planning to wreak havoc through fire, breaking glass, robbery and other violent acts they would have taken the time to ask themselves what they can do within their own families to stop the cycle of black-on-black violence and to teach their children, neighbors, friends and families how to become positive contributors to their local communities.  They would look for ways to teach the sons to respect women so that they would marry them BEFORE fathering children and then stay with their families in order to instill the values of love, personal responsibility, respect and faith in Christ into their children so that the scourge of the early death for young black men would end.

I’ve viewed some very powerful videos made by some very enlightened black men over the past week and seen the wisdom and intelligence in their words.  They call upon others of color to stop blaming everything on slavery and the white man.  I couldn’t agree more.  From the genealogical records I’ve been able to collect I’ve discovered that my own family were when they arrived on the shores of North American centuries ago.  They had sold themselves into slavery in order to buy passage and secure work in America because of the persecution and starvation they faced in Europe.  The family eventually included ministers of the Gospel of Jesus Christ and people who were sharecroppers.  I have yet to find records that show land ownership until the 20th Century.  My father’s generation was the first to see a college graduate, apart from, perhaps, those who took the roles of pastors.

My own life has been one of financial struggle and endless attempts to find better positions in which to earn a more lucrative living than what I now enjoy.  I live in a neighborhood that it much worse than those where my parents and brothers live.  Drugs are a common pastime/job for many of my neighbors.  Tuesday morning someone set fire to a neighbor’s SUV as it sat just 5 feet from their front porch.  My wife is always concerned when I leave her alone in the house because of the types of people who have approached us in our own front yard.  She is frightened for her safety, as am I.  I believe that, at some point, we will be able to leave this house for a better one in a neighborhood where people respect their neighbors and don’t continually try to steal from them or vandalize their property.

Add to all of this the struggle that I have to leave behind the remnants of the sexual and emotional abuse I suffered as a toddler by babysitters and in my adolescence by peers and I wonder at the profound love that God has for me that He would continue to sustain me in the midst of it all.  I’ve been so glad to begin adding men and women to my collective list of friends whose goal is to see me grow in my relationship with Jesus, and to, thereby, become the man I was created to be.  I could always sit back and say to myself that I was “born gay”, but I don’t believe that.  I could embrace an identity as a homosexual man, but I wholeheartedly reject the premise of “born gay” so I consequently and quite thoughtfully reject that idea, as well.  Do I experience same-gender attraction?  Yes.  Do I experience same-gender fascination?  Yes.  Does that necessarily mean that I must act on those feelings?  No.  I have the freedom to act on whatever feelings I have.  I may be angry with someone for cutting me off in traffic.  Does that give me the right to harm or kill them?  Absolutely not!  Does a heterosexual man have the freedom to have sexual relations with just any woman to whom he feels a sexual attraction?  Yes.  Does his obligation to his wife trump that freedom?  In my view, and according to the Scriptures I’ve studied, it most certainly does.  If a man does not find a wife does he have freedom to have sexual relations with anyone he wants to?  Yes.  Will he one day answer for such behavior?  Yes.

These are my informed opinions since I reject Post-Modernism and Secular Humanism as driving forces in my life.  I embrace the Son of God as both real and necessary to my life.  Are there people I know to whom my beliefs are repugnant?  Yes.  But I don’t particularly care what they think.  Why?  Because I don’t worship them nor do I require their approval to have my own opinions and keep my own counsel.  I have taken the time to examine the cases set before me both for and against a life of homosexual love and behavior and found the argument for it to be lacking in one very essential area:  submission to the Holy Spirit in every action.

The Holy Spirit is given as a counselor and a comfort to teach us what God wants us to know and to do.  If I take His teaching seriously I am unable to square “marrying” and having a monogamous relationship with another man with the concept of “be fruitful and multiply”.  Adoption is not multiplication, though it may bear much good fruit.  Adoption is the taking of an existing human being and re-positioning them into a different relational proximity.  If I marry a man and we adopt children we have not multiplied ourselves, we have conducted relational re-positioning.  If we use a surrogate mother to have children we have not multiplied ourselves, only one of us has multiplied himself in that particular child or those particular children.  Never will the two of us be able to join our seed simultaneously with the egg in a woman or a laboratory dish in order that the child or children are of both of us.  That is only possible in an opposite gender joining.

On this Thanksgiving Day I am thankful to have been born in America, taught the Truth of the Gospel of Jesus Christ and to have married a woman of foreign extraction and moved forward in our mutual love of God and His Christ.  I look forward to the bounty with which we have been and shall be blessed by the hand of the omnipotent God of all creation alongside my wife and hope to someday make a significant contribution to the lives of others who struggle as do I.  Until then I will wish you all, whether you agree with me or not, a very Happy Thanksgiving.

Relationship Confusion

I’m not gonna lie.  It is difficult to keep up hope for the kind of life I believe is right for me.  Sometimes the challenges are so difficult that I find it hard to focus on my work or on anything else.  There are many times when I’ll just sit and daydream about the way I envision my life.  I think many men are like that sometimes.  I am often reminded of the “what if’s” of my life.

-What if those people had not molested me when I was a toddler.

-What if my parents had not moved in the summer before my first year of school.

-What if I had been given the opportunity to grow up near my one childhood friend instead of moving to a different town with no friends.

-What if my Dad had been able to connect with me in spite of his seeming uncertainty.

-What if I hadn’t been bullied all through my school years.

-What if I had been able to connect with just one other boy when I was growing up.

There are so many more of these “What if’s”; too many to list here.  The sad fact is that none of these things I wished for ever happened.  The fact is that I grew up alone in a regular American suburb in the South with two brothers who weren’t the least bit interested in spending time with me.  My family had no familial connections in our state during all my formative years and beyond.  The only time I had the opportunity to spend time with my extended family on either side was during vacations or on long weekends when my parents had the time and the money to travel.  I missed out on so many things that were not made up for in my home life.

As an adult I’m beginning to forge relationships with other men – however tentative and halting they are – and with my extended family who still don’t live in the same state as I.  It is a very slow process and it has been foster, to some degree, by the losses of the older generation.  We mostly meet at funerals or organized family reunions.  They, like I, are very busy with their lives and families, not unlike millions of other families.  I struggle to interpret the signals I get from my family and friends because I don’t have the social or community grounding that I should have learned as an adolescent.  It simply isn’t there.  When someone pays attention to me I am genuinely astonished and perplexed.  I simply don’t know what to make of it.

There is a man who take care of the technological side of my office a couple of days a week and who has shown an interest in talking to me.  When he looks at me I just don’t know how to react.  I try to maintain eye contact, but it becomes uncomfortable for me.  There is also a particular man in my small group on Sunday night with whom I’m fascinated for all the wrong reasons.  Both of these men are married, though one is certainly having family issues, and I should not have any difficulty creating a bond with them in the normal way.  I just don’t possess the skills to do so.  When either of these men leave my presence for any reason I’m just unsure how to react.  Especially if the departure is sudden or unexpected.  If it is work related or has something to do with his accountability for his time to his wife I understand; however, the awkwardness that I feel is entirely on my side makes it very difficult to process the emotions of being in any kind of bonding relationship or their departure…pretty much anything to do with normal relationships baffles me.

If anyone out there has similar difficulty with building intimate, non-erotic, bonding relationships with other men I’d appreciate any insight you might have gleaned or any ideas or techniques you’re using to overcome these obstacles.

Tool Shed Theology/Ideology

Ok, anyone who knows me understands that I’m not the sharpest tool in the shed, the brightest bulb in the box, the sharpest pencil in the drawer.  You get the point.  But, I find it really difficult to grasp how people who are demanding the right to live as they please continually assail me for simply trying to do the same thing.  Look, I get it.  Everyone will not agree with me.  Cool, I don’t agree with everyone either.  No biggie.  What gets under my skin is all this patronizing garbage I get from people (guys especially) who have embraced a same-gender-attracted lifestyle consistently calling me ugly names, telling me that I’m in denial, denouncing me for repressing my true self.  Well, here’s a good word for you:  hypocrite.

Where is the tolerance when I choose to reject the idea that I was made by a loving God to be same-sex-attracted and to live a life of outwardly expressing and embracing that identity?  I haven’t seen it.  There are the snide comments, the glaring looks, the “holier than thou” attitude from those who claim that Christians hate them for living a “gay” lifestyle.  Seems to me the intolerance and bigotry is spread around pretty evenly.

I haven’t had anyone brainwash me into loathing myself or repressing my feelings as a sign of remorse, guilt, shame or anything else.  I’ve done a lot of reading, meditating, praying, soul searching and thinking in arriving at my own conclusions.  I’ve only recently even asked a trusted friend what he thinks the Bible has to say about men who experience unwanted same-sex attraction.  He tended to side with those who choose to live in same-gender relationships.  Well, on that point I’m going to have to respectfully disagree with him.  I still love him like a brother, but that doesn’t mean that I’m going to always follow his advice.  If it doesn’t sound right to me then I’ll keep my own counsel.

I’m not completely alone in my search for the answers that will help me to truly understand how I came to be same-sex-attracted/fascinated.  There are men who I’ve met via social media and through the small groups at my own church who are walking the same path as I.  Some of them are single, others are married; some even have their own biological children.

I’ve said it before, but I believe it bears repeating:  Just as a heterosexual man who is married to a heterosexual woman has a responsibility to be faithful to his wife, I have a responsibility to remain faithful to my own wife.  A heterosexual man does not cease to have feelings of attraction to other women due to some magic spell that is spoken during or after the wedding ceremony.  He must do as the Scriptures say and guard his eyes and his heart.  It isn’t the first look that gets him, it’s that second, lingering look that gets him into trouble.  And any red-blooded woman who catches him ogling another woman has every right to pinch, slap or drop-kick him back into the reality of the promises he made during the wedding.

I know that God is real, I know that He loves me with every fiber of His being and that He sent Jesus to this earth to take away the guilt and shame of all my sins…not just those that are of a sexual nature.  I am obligated, in my opinion, to seek first God’s Kingdom and His Righteousness, and allow Him to add to me such things as He knows are beneficial to me.  When I proposed to my bride nearly a quarter century ago it was not out of guilt or obligation; it was out of a deep sense of love for her and a desire to spend the rest of my life “doing life together” with her.  Has it been hard?  Yes!  Will it always have its challenges?  Yes!  Does that mean that I need to “do right by her” and abandon her in the middle of the fight because of fleeting feelings?  Absolutely not!  God did not bring me this far to abandon me now; neither will I abandon my wife.  She knows my struggle and has been right beside me all the way.  I owe her a debt of gratitude and love that I can never fully repay no matter how long we live.

Just to be clear – I don’t care one way or the other if other people want to joyfully embrace same-gender relationships as being their right, their due, their will, their wish, whatever.  That choice is theirs to make in the same way that mine was made.  I can not, nor will I attempt to, dissuade anyone from pursuing whatever kind of relationship seems right to them.  But, just because you don’t like my choice doesn’t make me wrong.  Get over this need you have to force everyone on planet Earth to conform to your personal ideology and opinion.  If you want to call others intolerant or bigoted, then stop practicing those traits yourself.

……and we’re moving!

A couple of weeks ago I shared my core struggle, quite unexpectedly, with the men in a small group I attend.  I was terrified and on the edge of tears as I tried to get the words out.  When I finally just spit it out I wasn’t sure what to expect.  The response astounded me.  “Is that all ya got?” was the response from the most vocal man in the group.  The rest of the men gave me a mixed bag of signals; however, a couple of the guys seemed to be shaken in a way that gave me the impression that they wished they had said something about their own issues.

This weekend I was one of the first to arrive at the small group venue and waited as the men filed in to see if the reactions I saw the week before gave way to anything different.  Not everyone who came this week was there the week before when I opened up about my struggle.  However, it was good to see a few of the guys who were there both weeks.  I got hugs from most of them.  Some of the guys just aren’t into hugging regardless of who it is.  The group started and there was no one sitting nest to me on the sofa; but a couple of the guys were running late.  When they finally arrived I watched discretely to see if one of them, in particular, sat down next to me or avoided me.  After he gathered his snacks he made a bee line for his usual spot next to me on the sofa.  I could finally breathe.  Of all the guys I thought might have an issue with me it was this one.  The fact that he sat down next to me gave me a sense of relieve.

Now, I’ve got to say that a number of the guys in the group do trigger me to an extent.  However, as a result of having opened up to these guys so completely, I have felt a burden lift.  But, the night wasn’t over yet.  After we finished our emotional inventory and review the leader told us that one of the other men had something specific that he wanted to share. I had no idea until he spoke with me at the end of the evening that by sharing my struggle I encouraged him to open up about his own struggles.  I felt so honored to have been able to encourage someone else to let go of a burden that he couldn’t carry alone.  It was so rewarding to see the weight lift from his shoulders as he was received with just as much humility, understanding and grace as I had received the previous week.  I can’t even describe the full range of emotions that washed over me when he told me how he had wanted to say something the same week that I had, but that he just couldn’t bring himself to do it.  He hadn’t even been sure that he could go through with it that night until the moment of truth arrived.  He mustered all his courage and he just laid out everything he had been struggling with and I could sense the weight of his words as they struggled to pour out of him.  There were a couple of moments when I didn’t think he would get it all out, but he finally finished the job.

I couldn’t be more happy for him to have finally shed that load of shame, guilt and pain.  Now he knows that this band of brothers won’t leave him hanging. Now I know the same thing for myself.  Every time I hear groups trying to pressure church leaders or church members into taking a political stand on issues that are really a personal matter it gives me the dry heaves.  I mean, self-determination is one of the most basic of human rights.  Just because a vocal minority wants to embrace their lifestyle as being involuntary and pride-inspiring doesn’t mean that we all want that.

If someone believes he was born gay and has embraced it as his true self I say “Bravo!”  Live and let live.  I am not God nor can I tell anyone else how they ought to live.  If someone asks my advice or opinion I’ll gladly give it; but it will never mean that he must accept and apply it.  I can happily agree to disagree with someone.  It is when the name-calling and the attempts to shame me for having a dissenting opinion begin that compel me to walk away.  I have as much right to live as I believe is right for me as anyone else does.  If you don’t agree with me and it makes you so mad that you feel you must try to shame me into joining your cause you’ve already lost me.  The world will have taken a step closer to the Gospel of Jesus Christ when “Christians” stop picketing Gay Pride parades and gay activists stop picketing events that are attended by men like me who seek to embrace a different path to them.

I’ve already made up my mind how I want to live.  Though I may fall a thousand times I’ll still rise again to meet the next challenge.  I have decided that I want to live a life of holiness based on the description that we find in the Gospel, not the well-meant sermons that preach against something instead of in favor of something.  Like the younger generation, of which I am not a part, I have long since tired of the list of “don’ts” that have been pounded into my head most of my life.  Give me a list of those things that Jesus said we should do and show me how to do them.  In fact, give me a living example of what the Gospel looks like when it is lived out in this day and age.

I’m so grateful to attend a church that does not preach against things, rather it advocates for those who have no voice and who are genuinely suffering.  The poor, those trapped in the sex trade, those on drugs or alcohol and are hopeless.  These men and women are far closer to living a life of suffering than some of the spoiled rotten brats who think they suffer when they don’t get others to agree with their point of view.  Grow up and stop whining about what you don’t have and learn to be grateful for what you do have.  There are more people trapped in the modern equivalent of slavery – human trafficking – than at any other time in history.  I believe the number is around 27 million men, women and children who are enslaved in various ways around the globe…even here in the United States.  The sex trade in this country has millions of men, women and children trapped because of organized crime that controls them and refuses to let them go until they’ve been completely used up and are no longer bringing in the money to support the drug habits and lifestyles of the pimps who beat and rape them people every day.

Well, my rant is over for now.  Good night and pause to think about how good you really have it compared to some who may be trapped just a few miles from where you lay your head comfortably on your pillow tonight.

Resentment And Fear

Resentment And Fear.

Resentment And Fear

Last night was the closest I’ve come to telling complete strangers – face-to-face – about the way in which my struggle has manifested itself.  In small group we discussed how our addictions must fall and be submitted to Christ, then we had a short presentation by a young man who is a student at a local university.  He told about his own struggles with pornography and his recent acceptance of Christ.  He had been an atheist until he was about 17 years old.  He told how he has done the research on sexual addiction issues and has contacted the leadership of our church to learn how to start a small group that will enable him to help other young men who, like he, are addicted to pornography.

After his presentation we were asked to share our greatest resentment and our greatest fear.  I listened patiently and compassionately as several of the other men present shared their own stories of shame, untimely and inappropriate introduction to sex and/or pornography at ages as young as 6 years old, and the resentments that were created by such unfortunate circumstances.  No one was forced to share anything; however, I felt compelled to share my own story along the same lines.  I shared how I resented the manner in which my own struggle had manifested itself in my life as a result of my having been raped as a toddler and preschooler, bullied and abused – both verbally and physically – for the duration of my school years.  And I shared how my greatest fear is that if I share the manner in which my abuse had manifested itself in my own particular struggle that I would be rejected by those with whom I shared it.

I was on the verge of either sharing my struggle, running from the house, crying, or just shutting down.  Instead, I simply fell silent while on the verge of tears.  I want so desperately to share my story with a group of men who will embrace me, accept me, affirm me, and encourage me; however, my fear of rejection by those men prevents me opening up as fully as I believe that I should.  I am terrified that full disclosure will result of rejection and isolation by the very men in whom the greatest potential resides for my healing.

If anyone who reads this is inclined to pray to the Father God, the One whose only begotten Son is Jesus Christ, I would ask you to pray that I would be strengthened in my resolve to fully disclose my struggle and to accept whatever reaction comes.  I know that I can not control how others react, but I know that the key to my successful healing lies in the vulnerable, painful and transparent living out of my story before other, imperfect men who are also walking through their own version of earthbound purgatory.

The pain of living as I do is almost unbearable for me.  I am ashamed of the way the abuse manifested as same-sex attraction and same-sex fascination in my life.  I am disgusted by the things my mind invents as ways to satisfy legitimate needs in illegitimate ways.  I know there are some in the pro-gay camp who find it appalling that I am so “self-loathing”.  They would say to me, “Just embrace this as your authentic self.  This is how you were made.  Stop fighting it.”  Well, if that is how they choose to self-determine their lives I have no objections.  Everyone is free to live as they please.  If others believe that embracing a lifestyle that includes behaving in a manner consistent with homosexual behavioral norms I fully support their decision.  However, I am not, nor will I be persuaded to be, at peace with living in such a manner for myself.  I am disgusted by the thoughts that cross my mind and the feelings that rise up in me.  Just as the heterosexual man who is, perhaps, a pastor may have sexually related desires and feelings for a woman who is not his wife feels shame and remorse for such things, I feel the same when same-gender desires and thoughts arise in me.

Whoever wants to judge me and display intolerance toward me due to my refusal to embrace a homosexual orientation should tread very carefully if they want to dissuade me from my chosen path.  My path is that of a man who is unhappy with unwanted same-sex attraction/fascination as it has manifested in my life, and I am prepared to do almost anything to leave such desires, attractions and fascinations behind.  For my part, I feel that I have been cheated of the opportunity to be the natural, biological father to my children (I have never fathered a child), and that I’ve been robbed of the opportunity to know what it is like to be fully devoted to my wife of 23 years.  As the result of being raped as a toddler and bullied and abused throughout my formative years in school I was robbed of my childhood and all of the typical rites of passage with which those years are usually associated.  So, those who would judge me for desiring to leave a lifestyle that shames and disgusts me would be wise to think twice about their hypocrisy in doing so.

I believe with every fiber of my being that, although we may not be able to choose the things we desire, we are at liberty to choose what to do when those desires arise.  Just as a man who is married to a woman is obligated to remain faithful to her through and in all circumstances that may arise in his life, I believe that we are all obligated to remain faithful to who we were made by God to be.  Each of us faces temptation, challenges and desires that are unique to us because each of us has a unique story.  No two of us are alike; however, God made all of us to fulfill the same purpose.  That purpose is written on our hearts in the things for which we are gifted and about which we are truly passionate.  But our passions should be to make life better for everyone, not just for a select few.  Any time our passions are directed in ways that serve us and our friends alone we have departed from the path which God has laid before us.  If fighting for my own rights causes someone else to be alienated or isolated then I have pursued my goals improperly.

I don’t desire to rob anyone of the life they want to live; however, I do desire to impress upon others the need to think outside of themselves and to consider the consequences of their actions upon others.  If one is unwilling to allow oneself to be inconvenienced for the sake of another’s freedom then one has become truly selfish.  Those who want to try to force others to embrace their own lifestyle with joy and gladness when that lifestyle flies in the face of the core beliefs of the other are truly selfish and entirely narcissistic.  They don’t deserve to enjoy their freedom at the expense of the liberty of another.  For my own part, I don’t care who marries or lives with whom.  It does not affect me in any way unless they begin taunting me and challenging me with false claims of discrimination, bigotry and intolerance.  When I see a challenge presented by someone who truly embraces MY choice to leave the SSA/SSF lifestyle with an authentic, supportive and tolerant attitude I will be far more inclined to listen to their argument than when they resort to the tired and hypocritical claim that I’m the intolerant one.

So, I say all this to say that I am on a path that is moving AWAY from SSA/SSF and am prepared to endure whatever pain comes my way in order to accomplish that goal.  The pain of remaining as I always have been is far too great to continue on the path I’ve followed in the past.  I would sincerely like to have a rational, tolerant and transparent discussion with someone else who is experiencing SSA/SSF in their own life so long as it is understood that I will not tolerate being bullied or abused about my choice to leave said lifestyle.  If you are truly bright, open and tolerant I would love the opportunity to have a truly open discussion, privately or on this thread, about each of our lives.  I may say things you find insensitive, but they aren’t intended to be so.  I hope I can find one brave soul with whom to discuss this topic without the ALL CAPS ANGER AND HATE that have been the manner of past discussions on social media.  If I can persuade you to think critically about your own situation I will be glad.  If you choose to embrace my journey as your own I will be glad, as well.  More than anything I want to have a discussion that is genuinely civil and intelligent without throwing up a bunch of statistics that can be manipulated to say whatever one wants them to say.  Will anyone accept my challenge?

In Pursuit Of God’s Best For Me

Sometimes I find it difficult to believe that God would take the time to actually seek me out – to call me by name. But, in Isaiah 43, John 10, Jeremiah 1, and many other Scriptures God has made it abundantly clear that He knows me by name. He was personally and intimately involved in my very creation in my mother’s womb and knows every hidden thought that I have; yet, He still pursues me so that He can be in relationship with me. In Mark 15 it is noted that the veil in the Jewish Temple was torn from top to bottom at the moment Christ died on the cross, and this opened the way for all people – beginning with the Jews – to come into the presence of God in order to commune and have fellowship. This act can be compared to a neighbor opening the front door to their house and installing a sign in their front yard inviting everyone to come in and have some conversation, some food and to enjoy one another’s company. The only difference is that this invitation is coming from the God who created all that exists by the simple pronunciation of His divine will and then using his hands to physically form the first human beings.

I must admit that I have great difficulty wrapping my head around the idea that the God who created all things wants to have a personal relationship with me on a daily basis. I’m not a very pleasant person to be around – my wife can attest to that. But, in spite of my generally abrasive personality, God has issued me an engraved invitation to come and spend time with Him every day. This invitation is sealed in the blood of Christ and delivered personally to me…and to everyone on earth. And, as with any invitation, there is an RSVP required. Many choose to lay the invitation on a table or hide it in a drawer with no intention of ever answering it. Still others have trouble discerning what it is. Some answer it with a resounding “No”, while others contact the one who issued it and debate with Him about its veracity. Some choose not to acknowledge the invitation at all; they simply leave it in the mailbox uncollected. Only a few have given a sincere “Yes” in response to this invitation. Even those few find that it can be difficult to fulfill the very simple terms of the invitation to “come as you are”.

I have given God a “Yes” to His invitation; however, I often don’t feel that I’m appropriately dressed to come into His presence. I want to run around trying to cover myself with something different, something completely unsuited to me, something entirely foreign to my personality. But, He said to come exactly as I am with all of my faults, failures, misgivings, regrets, pain, anger, bitterness, rage, envy, strife. He wants to see me in all of my authentic reality. Why? Because He wants to take all of that away, clean me up, anoint me with file oils, perfumes and lotions, and clothe me in the finest garment ever made: His Holiness. Why does He want to do this? Well, the whole purpose for which He created mankind was so that He could enter into a relationship with someone who reflected His glory who also possessed the ability to reject Him. He endowed us all with free will and the freedom to choose any future that we want. He has His own reasons for doing this that I’m sure I don’t understand; but, nevertheless, He did so with the full knowledge that we might choose to ignore Him and reject Him.

In my pursuit of God’s best for me I find that I must catch myself trying to pretty myself up so that I can come to Him each day. That isn’t what He wants at all. He wants me to bring all my broken messes to Him so that He can work on them for me and make me new and better every day. If I don’t bring my mess to Him, then He doesn’t have the opportunity to do anything with it. Sort of like when I had a heater hose break on my car last week. Had I not brought the car to the service department on the back of a tow truck there would have been nothing the mechanics could do to correct the problem. I could have left the car in the parking lot demanding the mechanic to repair it; but, that isn’t how it works. The mess must go to the mechanic so he can use all the tools at his disposal to diagnose, repair and test his work before I’m able to use the car again.

Sometimes we need help to bring our messes to God. Like in the instance about my car needing a tow truck for transport to the mechanic I need to be in relationship with others who are on their way to God in order that we may help each other to get there. The tow truck used to transport my car was not perfect: it had a cracked windshield, it was filthy and greasy, and it was not properly equipped to make the ride smooth. But it did the job. The men with whom I’m on my journey are not perfect. They have their flaws and failures to be sure; but, they recognize their shortcomings and push ahead anyway. I am forever grateful to God and to these men who are walking with me in the middle of my messiness without flinching or abandoning me.

I hope to be a light to someone else in need to relationship on his journey to God with his own messes. In doing that I will have come full circle to where I was always intended to be: a joyful messenger whose mess made him able to empathize with another who is walking the same road.

One More Day…

Sometimes I begin to run myself down.  I feel as if I’m not worth anyone’s time or even worth the energy that it takes to live.  But, I know that there are so many things I was meant to do.  The challenge for me is to know when to stop striving for something that I was never meant to do alone.  There’s a saying that I hold tightly to:  You’ve been given gifts to do whatever it is that God created you for; but you can’t do anything without Him.  For me that means that even though I know the gifts that I possess and their purpose for my life I can’t complete even the most simple task until I plug into Him and allow Him to take control of the process.  When I get to the place where I think I’ve got it figured out…I’ve missed the point.  I was created, first and foremost, for a relationship with God that is to be more intimate than the closest of human relationships can ever hope to be.  And, when I’m working in my own strength I end up trying to get all the glory for myself.  God is my loving Father who wants me to succeed and to be happy, but He wants to share that happiness with me and to make it even greater than it can be when I walk through this life alone.

The key for me is to remember that my purpose is intricately woven into God’s love for me and for others.  Just like a tapestry that may be made up of silk, wool, silver and gold I am only a single thread that must be woven into the whole in order for the pattern to make sense.  No one, not even an atheist, goes through life alone.  He/she is part of the larger tapestry and has been placed precisely where needed.  However, the master weaver has the privilege of rearranging the fibers to refresh and renew the pattern as the threads become more yielded and available to Him.  He is very patient and wants to be sure that each thread in the tapestry shines and fits perfectly without forcing it.

I’m hoping to finally “get it” someday.  In the meantime, I know that there is a road to travel that is an adventure that is meant to be shared, not just with other mere mortals, with Him.

Rambling About Neural Pathways And SSA

It’s been a while since I posted anything. Just wanted to ramble about how I’m learning all sorts of new things about brain chemistry, sexual addiction – addiction of all sorts – and the ability of the human brain to be reprogrammed by intentional changes in behavior and the introduction of stimuli that is in line with the desired end result.

Now, we all know that for anything to work one must have “faith” or “believe” that it will work. I can do all manner of exercise and dietary changes in order lose or gain weight; however, it has been proven that psychology plays a significant role in the success of these sorts of efforts. Through my own experimentation I have discovered that many things can be changed in my own life so long as I believe that they will change.

Another key factor is the will. I must want to change something before I begin the attempt or it will meet with abject failure. I’ve seen it over and over again. If I enter anything half-hearted it always meets with failure.

An example of something I recently learned is that an addict is able to remake the neural connections in his brain when he intentionally, willingly, purposefully and enthusiastically enters into a rehabilitative program that is designed to rid him of addictive behaviors. Science has proven that the efforts made to quit an addiction make new neural pathways in the brain which become stronger over time while the old pathways associated with addictive behavior become smaller and weaker over time.

One of the ways in which I believe I have begun to reprogram my own neural pathways is through the introduction of other men into my life who are godly, accepting, compassionate, friendly and understanding toward me once I open up to them and tell them that I am struggling with SSA/SSF.

Prior to the past few months I have always associated men who are kind to me when they don’t have to be with sexual activity. When one man, in particular (I’ll call him Pat), began to demonstrate genuine kindness, understanding, compassion, empathy and love toward me I was confused. Here was a handsome man whom I would normally give anything to get into bed with. He was being nice to me and there was no requirement to exchange that kindness for sex as was always the case before. Pat knows my issues quite well, but he still accepts me for who I am and he has used friendly terms to refer to me and in conversation with me. He’s never once told me I’m going to hell or that God demands that I change my life. My mind was officially blown.

My emotions were completely out of sorts. I had no clue how to react to him. I told him that the kind of relationship he was offering me was completely unexpected and alien to me. Pat is truly a God-send. It is amazing what one man can do when he allows God to work in and through him to minister the love of Christ to another.

This journey is sure to be uncomfortable; but, it is a journey that I’ve wanted to take for many years. Some men will go rock climbing and endure long hours of agony just to arrive at a summit that offers them an unparalleled view of nature. Why does it boggle the mind of so many today that I might not like the lot I have been given and want to follow a different path? Those who have embraced a same-gender sexual identity would riot if someone told them they could not follow the path that allows them to express their same-gender identity. By the same token those same people would deny me my right to seek a path that I believe is better than the one I’m on. And they would call ME a hypocrite!

The Struggle Continues…Perhaps Differently

It has been a while since I last posted; but I’ve had a few tweaks in my life since then. Although I’m still struggling with the SSA/SSF I am more hopeful than I was a few weeks ago.

I still feel a tug to go to the dark side; but that side isn’t realistic for me. For me, the dark side is wholeheartedly embracing a lifestyle of homosexual behavior whether that includes dating men, getting “married” to a man, or pretty much anything else that is involved with such a choice.

I am more convinced than ever that I am pursuing the right path for myself because I am facing stronger opposition from all fronts. I suppose I’m beginning to unleash my inner rebel as a result of feeling as if my choice to completely annihilate any sense of SSA/SSF within myself has run into opposition. When I have other people beginning to attack my free choice and telling me that I’m not really free to choose my path I sort of dig in my heels. Nope, they’re not stilletos….see, I can’t even spell the word. I am persuaded that there are few things in this life that we can not change when we put our minds to it and when the desire is strong enough. I’ve seen men rise from poverty to prosperity simply because they had the audacity to believe that they could do it. So who are these people to tell me that I can’t make a choice to forever leave behind a part of my life that I find disgusting and undesirable? If I were to make similar claims about their life choices they would rip me a new one and use extremely colorful language in the process.

Suffice it to say that if you aren’t with me you are against me. And, I don’t have time any more for those who oppose me. Talk to the hand cuz the ears ain’t listenin’ any more. If you can’t accept me for who I choose to be then you are just a hypocrite who demands one set of standards for yourself and imposes a separate set of standards on those you feel threaten your tiny world of fantasy. By all means, go ahead and live the life that pleases you. Who am I to tell you how you should live, with whom you should sleep or anything else? Just give me the same respect.

I’ve got a lot of thinking to do, and maybe some more blogging. Hope everyone is well tonight and that you all find and live your dreams.