Men: You’re The Model, Jesus Is The Standard

I observe people, especially men, and watch them carefully as they go about their daily lives.  One thing I’ve noticed is that there are so many adult men who have an opinion about how other men or young men should behave or speak.  The sad part is that they will talk amongst themselves like a bunch of gossipy old hens rather than engaging the process of mentoring boys, young men and adult men in order to bring about the kind of behavior and speech they so desire to see in others.  Instead, they continue gossiping and complaining about the state of “manhood” today.  Really?  Are you really so superficial and cowardly that you refuse to engage a process that has a greater chance of changing the world than your constant sniping against others?

Let me tell you how to treat someone like me.  I’m same-sex attracted despite my complete distaste for it said attractions.  I never asked for them, I don’t like them, I don’t want them.  My mannerisms are sometimes effeminate, despite my best efforts at emulating more masculine men.  My speech is somewhat lispy and feminine, again, despite my best efforts to sound more masculine.  I am called “Ma’am” more often then not by people with whom I speak on the phone.  Why are all these things true about me?  Well, it has a lot to do with the people I’ve been surrounded with most of my life.  In spite of my desire to be surrounded by other boys when I was a boy, other young men when I was a young man, and other adult men as an adult, I have been mostly surrounded by girls, and women.

When I’ve been transparent with other men about my story of having grown up to experience unwanted same-sex attractions they simply don’t know what to do with me.  I suppose I can understand this perspective……to a point.  However, I am prepared to tell you that you don’t really need to treat me any differently than you would any other adult male you may know.  The things I want, which I at one time tried to replace with improper relationships, are really the same things that most younger men want:  a sense of belonging and a sense of purpose.  I’ve rarely had either as an adult due to not having the honor of being befriended by other men at critical stages in my development.

For me, the needs are slightly different to those of boys and younger men.  First of all, I am a full-grown adult male.  Inside I feel like a vulnerable 11-year-old boy who is wandering through a frightening adult world with no help in making critical decisions and in doing what other ordinary adults take for granted every day.  So, what I need is a sort of “catch-up” type of mentoring that helps me examine my daily behavior, social skills, and other skills necessary to navigate the adult world in an unabrasive and less awkward manner than I currently do.  Essentially, I need someone who is willing to be a kind of accountability partner with the twist that what I really need to some correction and adjustments to how I deal with daily life in the adult world.   I need a grown man to help me understand how I need to behave, speak and interact with other grown ups.

For boys and young men, it is important to realize that they are still in the formative stages of growth where there are varying degrees of impressionability available to work with.  Instead of constantly complaining about how they behave and speak, get in there and volunteer to take time out of your day to engage them in their development processes.  NOTE:  Don’t neglect your own children in the process.  They should always come first.  Your sons and daughters need you at every stage of life and for different reasons.  Your sons should look to you to see what being a man is about, and your daughters should be looking to you to see what she should be seeking in a man who will marry her.

Men, you are the role model that younger generations look to.  If you are also struggling, you should seek the mentoring counsel of someone you admire in order to get your own life in order.  Don’t let that detour you or delay you in reaching out to help others.  I certainly don’t expect any man to be a perfect model; only Christ can be that.  The best any of us can do is to point others to Jesus as the true role model.  It is in doing this that we all grow and mature and lead others to do the same.  It isn’t complicated, but it does take time out of your day to do it.  Don’t let your faults and failures prevent you helping someone like me – or my younger men – to reach their God-given potential.

Relationship: Why Is It So Difficult?

As a man struggling to walk in accordance with the Gospel of Jesus Christ while struggling against unwanted and undesired same-sex attractions, I find it extremely difficult to make any significant headway without the necessary support.  I have found that men don’t necessarily run from me when I share my struggle with them; but they aren’t sure what to do with the knowledge, so they essentially do nothing.  I’ve been a member of a Men’s Small Group via my church and shared my struggle with the men there in the context of the group.  The only question I got was, “Is that all ya got?”  It seems I wasn’t rejected outright. Unfortunately, at each meeting I listen as these men tell of messaging each other and having lunch together during the week, and I feel left out and marginalized.  I’m relatively certain that these men don’t mean to marginalize or ignore me, but I’m pretty sure that each of them is thinking to himself that someone else will come alongside me and be my mentor.

In the past, I have intentionally reached out to other men seeking a mentoring relationship and been ignored or rejected.  I’ve stopped doing that because I am tired of the rejection.  But, I know perfectly well that I will not have the kind of success in my daily pursuit of Christ and His perfection of spirit if I don’t have a mentoring kind of relationship with at least one other man.  For me, the setting of a generic Men’s Small Group just isn’t sufficient to meet that need.  So I continue to plod along and become discouraged on a daily basis as time passes and I see no significant advances in my personal walk and my responses to temptation.  So what am I to do?  I continue to do what I’ve always done without much success:  I continue my daily conversation with God and ask Him to provide me a mentor or two with whom I can just spend time doing ordinary things like playing golf or having lunch or talking over coffee.  I’m not looking for someone to come in and miraculously take away my unwanted and undesired feelings; I’m just looking for a friend who doesn’t really need to understand me….just to be a friend.

So, I begin another day asking God to open doors of relationship with other men for me.  I’m tired of hanging out exclusively with women all the time.  I work with them all day long and I come home to one every night.  It would be nice to find acceptance and relationship with at least one other man where the relationship doesn’t consist solely of text messaging and video conferencing.  So, if you know someone like me and you’re a man, seek God in the process, but get in there and befriend this guy.  He may be 19 or 55, but he still needs to have a non-sexual same-gender friendship that just fills that void he’s never had filled without sex.

The View From My Side Of The Divide

Most gay activists want to call me ugly names and declare that I’m simply living in denial or suppressing my “true self”.  I call BS on them.  First, let me tell them that they will only have the right to judge me when they personally occupy my body and live my entire lived experience exactly as I have.  Who does anyone think they are to tell me what I feel, what I see and what I am?  Exactly who died and made them my judge, jury and God?  I’ll tell you who told them that God is dead:  the liberal media.  I’m so fed up with people telling me I should embrace who I am as a “gay” man and live according to my feelings.  That just makes me wanna puke.  I mean, seriously, what gives ANYONE the right to presume to know how I should live my life?  If I want their opinion I’ll ask.  Otherwise, they should just tolerate my choices and silence their hypocritical rhetoric.  If someone wants to “embrace their true self” and live a gay life or mutilate their body so they can pretend to be someone of the opposite sex so that they don’t have to embrace being gay, more power to them.  I could really not care less.  What I DO care about is having some ignorant, hypocritical charlatan trying to force me to accept their view of the world as enlightened as they try to hide my truth so that no one discovers, oh horror of horrors, that there are men like me who absolutely do not want to live as gay men and that we do have a choice to identify with Jesus Christ rather than with Bruce Jenner or his fantasy alter ego.

All my life I have felt different.  I’ve always known that God has called me from the time I was conceived.  The Scriptures tell me that God prepared good works ahead of time so that I could do them once I was here.  Seems to be a pretty well-considered plan.  And I’ve no doubt that He made more than enough allowance for my exceedingly long detours.  You see, I don’t believe that God is cruel or that He “made me this way”.  I believe that I am the result of a dizzying array of variables that even the most sophisticated super-mega computer couldn’t even begin to calculate over the course of a thousand million years.  Why?  Because I believe that I am fearfully and wonderfully made by the very hands of God, just as He formed the first man and woman in the Garden of Eden around 6 to 8 thousand years ago.  These are my beliefs, among many others.  No amount of scientific rationalization will convince me otherwise because things like evolution don’t pass the scientific tests of observable and repeatable proof.  Evolution is a theory which much be accepted on FAITH; there is no proof of its veracity, only unproven hypotheses and speculation based on extremely debatable evidence.  God is real, but must be accepted on FAITH.  There is no proof that He exists and I need none.  Just as, when I walk into a darkened bedroom in my house, I reach out and flip a switch and expect – by faith – that the room will be illuminated by a device that has been prepositioned in the room ahead of time, I live my life each day in full confidence that the God who made me is very real and very present to help me in every way in which I allow Him.

So many “enlightened” and “modern” people have scoffed at me because I don’t measure up to their ever-changing standard of what it is to be “authentic”.  Pphhhtttt!  I really don’t care what people think of my choice to pursue – however haltingly, imperfectly, and failingly – a life of holiness lived toward the God who loves me so much that He continually pursues me and calls me His beloved.

People don’t need my permission to live their lives as they choose.  There are all sorts of legal remedies for same-sex couples who want to have the right to visit one another in a hospital room, make medical decisions for one another, inherit one another’s wealth, and receive all sorts of tax benefits and breaks if they will stop trying to redefine an institution that predates all forms of human government – marriage.  But they aren’t satisfied with those methods.  They won’t be satisfied until they use the law to force others to “like” them and approve of them.  Well, I’m never going to approve of the actions being taken to redefine something that man never invented in the first place.  And I find it impossible to “like” someone who wants to ram their way of life down my throat so that they can gloat about “winning”.  I may love them as Christ compels me to love, but it has nothing to do with romance or sex.  It has to do with grasping the concept that ALL human beings are born flawed and in sin.  Our only hope is to do as Christ taught by 1) denying our fleshly desires, 2) picking up our cross, 3) and following Him on the path He lays before us.  If we insert ANYTHING that we want into any of those slots or create another slot into which our personal desires will fit, then He says we aren’t fit for the Kingdom of Heaven.  I don’t see that as cruel or unjust.  I see it as loving and compassionate.  You see, our parents have been around longer than we have and they know all too well what will hurt us, so they do their best to instill in us a healthy fear of and respect for those things so that we avoid them in order to have a longer and more pleasant life.  God has done the same with us in Jesus.  It is only when I find myself in Christ that I have truly “FOUND MYSELF”.

A Married “Gay” Man?

I recently read an article where a man who identifies as a gay Christian describes the marriage he has with a woman.  They have a child together and, to everyone else, their marriage looks like that of any number of other opposite-sex marriages around the world.  He has done what I have done in that he has acknowledged the aspect of his character with which he struggles.  He does not deny that he does struggle and acknowledges that it is difficult.  He describes how he views his marriage with respect to physical and emotional intimacy as well as the “friendship” aspect of the relationship.

I can completely understand his daily struggle and I must admit that I am envious in that he has actually fathered a child with this lovely woman.  In my daily life, I find myself observing other men and the relationships they have.  I often find myself struggling to reconcile how I live my life with the faith that I have in Jesus Christ.  It is always helpful when I have the opportunity to sit with another man and simply talk about what I’m feeling and how it affects my walk with Christ.  I understand the directives given by Jesus for us to deny anything our flesh craves which is in conflict with God’s known will for mankind.  These denials of the “flesh” are part and parcel to living as a Christian; they are not options for a person who wants to live as a believer in a fulfilling relationship with the Father.  If I want to benefit from having a personal relationship with God in Jesus Christ then I must be willing to follow the instructions and commandments that He has given.  He has said in Scripture that people will know I am His disciple if I obey His commands and love my brothers and sisters in Christ.

Jesus made it pretty clear that God expects obedience to the law of Christ, which is the law of love.  Judgement today is seen as hateful; however, most people today use the word “judge” in a way that only recognizes one of its definitions.  Judging is both condemning and discerning.  I don’t ever choose to condemn someone by telling them where they will spend eternity.  I am not God, so I can’t know how their life will finally be lived out if they make changes that some see as impossible in this present time.  I can, however, discern the fruit of the life which I observe.  That observation tells me how I should relate to the person or group in my daily life.  It is incumbent on me to discern the fruit in the lives of others so that I may make correct decisions about how to relate to those being observed.  Often I choose to simply be silent and make no comments about the life I observe in others while maintaining my own personal integrity on whatever subject is manifested in the other.

Part of what I find objectionable about those who don’t want to acknowledge my right to exist and live as I choose is their intolerant attitudes and their constant verbal assaults which are specifically designed to intimidate and shame me into silence.  I prefer not to engage people like that for the simple fact that they aren’t willing to hear my point of view.  They want to dismiss my opinions and views as irrelevant and archaic.  While I see them as completely closed-minded and ignorant of any reasonable facts involved in the subject of my life as I choose to live it.  What they would prefer is that I conform to their world-view and drop any pretense at living a life of freedom as I choose to live it.

Is my struggle against my flesh difficult?  Absolutely!  That does not mean that it is irrelevant or archaic.  It is the life I have chosen, just as much as those who choose to embrace their sexual orientation as their identity.  I personally choose to embrace the fact that I am same-sex attracted while denying the desires of my flesh to act on those desires.  As I resist the natural cravings I have I find that Jesus gives me Grace to continue moving forward toward the goal of living a life of holiness with respect to His commands and the love of God which is in Christ Jesus.

I wish I could say that I am 100% successful in resisting my desires; however, just like any heterosexual man who is drawn to women he isn’t married to, I find myself lingering over a man I observed in the street or at an office I visit during the day.  It is times like that when I need to give myself Grace in order to prevent self-condemnation and self-judgement.  I judge my actions for what they are and I take the time to lay them at the foot of the Cross of Christ where the work that Jesus did is more than sufficient to make me whole.  I’ve no desire or need to embrace the lifestyle of homosexuality as my identity.  It has caused me too many problems for far too long.  I’m also not deluded enough to believe that I can “pray the gay away”.  God works in ways that we finite human beings can’t begin to comprehend, and He works on His own schedule and within His own strategy which we likely will not understand until we cross from this life into the next.

I hope that my blogging, such as it is, may be helpful to even one other person who may be dealing with same-sex attraction.  It is my hope and prayer that others may see that I am not suffering unnecessarily from any self-condemnation or self-loathing.  My daily life is affected far more by my inability to make any decent headway with my bills than it is by my same-sex attraction issues.  At least 80% of my time is take up with earning a living, taking college classes to better myself and looking for ways to improve my financial situation.  The rest is a mix of other issues in life.  Same-sex attraction doesn’t even come close to dominating my life.  Hopefully, that gives a boost to someone out there.

Men Of Influence And How To Use It

I’m confronted every day with men who are otherwise quite capable, professional, kind, compassionate, and confident.  However, the moment I mention that I struggle with same-sex attraction I can see the “deer in the headlights” look on their face.  They freeze and demonstrate a total lack of any of the above characteristics.  Most of the time, this is the result of the lack of proper grounding in the Scriptures and a failure on the part of their mentors to provide adequate guidance on how to live out the Gospel among broken people who sin differently to them.  Some men are simply uncomfortable being in the presence of men or women who express their struggle with same-sex attraction.  Some feel threatened by the information accompanied by proximity to someone who they now feel may be attracted to them for reasons other than mutual admiration.

This is an issue that needs to be addressed at a fundamental level through small groups, pastoral teaching from the pulpit, the mentoring process and other avenues of influence.  What is at stake is a generation, or more, of men who lack the proper support, mentoring, affirmation, encouragement and partnership necessary to fill in gaps in their gender development.  We are reaping the results of the lack of masculine influence in the lives of many men and boys in that we have an increasingly successful social movement to permit more open influence of same-sex attracted people in the lives of children and young people who are in public school and even in church.  Many churches that once embraced the totality of the Gospel as it was taught for two thousand years are rejecting God’s clear teaching on gender roles and sexual ethics in order to embrace a social gospel which is really no gospel at all.  This is putting new generations of young people at risk for exchanging Christ for a social gospel that will do little for them other than lead them into a life that takes them far from God’s intended purpose for their lives.

Granted, God gives everyone complete liberty in which to live our lives and to choose the kind of future that we want.  But, He created each of us with unique abilities and a purpose that is intended to dovetail with those of others within the Body of Christ.  I believe, as I’ve read in other places, that those who experience same-sex attraction are uniquely gifted by God to provide a distinct perspective to and to build up the Body of Christ.  I believe that they are uniquely gifted to contribute to the life of the Church globally and to help enlarge the Kingdom of God.  For this reason, and I’m sure many more, they are confronted by our enemy, the devil and directed by him into behaviors and situations that distract them and detract from their calling and gifting.  We, the Church, are missing out on their contributions.  This is completely preventable if godly men will focus their influence on the things for which they are placed in the Church.  We must make ourselves unconditionally available to God so He can use us to influence each succeeding generation for good.

Social media make genuine public discourse almost impossible.  There are those who troll the pages and sites of those who hold views opposing today’s so-called progressive ideals for the sole purpose of finding people to attack.  The only tool used by these individuals now seems to be intimidation.  Multiple people pick out a “victim” and begin boxing them in with nonsense that is just a parroting of the agenda being pushed by those who oppose traditional values and norms of behavior that have been in place for millennia.  It is unfortunate that the past decade has been witness to such a breakdown of the social fabric of this country.  I’m truly glad that my wife and I did not have children.  I can’t imagine having to navigate this world with them while trying to do my job as a mentor, guide and protector to them while facing the rising tide of anti-Christian bigotry and hatred spewing from so many quarters.  As time passes it seems that those who hate us become more and more bold and brazen in their attacks on our faith and our lifestyle.  They would have me believe that I am a traitor to them because I refuse to embrace the lifestyle which they claim is my true identity.  Fortunately for me, I’m my own man, and I’ve no intention of identifying with what my flesh craves.  Jesus told me to deny such things and to take up my cross in order to follow Him.  My flesh screams at me; but, I don’t consider caving to it because Jesus gave everything to give me a new life.  I will embrace the purpose for which I was born, and that does not include indulging in purely selfish behavior in order to satisfy a fleeting desire that will bring me grief and regret the moment it is over.

My identity is that which is hidden deep within the mystery that is Christ.  It is a mystery that can only be understood if I give away what the world values and receive those things which are of value to God.  It is often my unpleasant duty to part ways with people who become a drag on my walk with God.  I’ve even had to break ties with members of my church at times in order to be obedient to the call of God on my life.  There have been some who declared they would walk with me through some difficulty or to be there for me if I needed them.  Sadly, as I mentioned earlier, they simply can’t wrap their heads around what it means to be an influence without being influenced by the temporal things they imagine when I tell them my story.  I think it is time for men in the Church to finally embrace the idea that there is nothing to fear when a man shares his story with him.  He should actually feel honored and blessed to be perceived as strong enough and humble enough to hear something as deeply personal as the temptations and trials of a man who is determined to leave a life which he believes to be sinfully displeasing to God.  Until that time I will continue to hope in Christ as I take one step after the next in pursuit of the goal of intimately knowing Christ.

How Did I Get Here?

Hmmm.  That is always an interesting question for me to consider.  To be honest, I’m not sure how to answer it.  Although I know that it has been a very rough journey I also believe that God has been with me for the duration and has no plans to abandon me now.  The recent events in American society are quite disturbing to me.  The redefinition of marriage – a state that has existed unchanged for at least 5000 years – appears to be inevitable, at least on a legal level.  Though it doesn’t have any genuine effect on traditional religious views of marriage, it does create tension between this new state and the American Constitution.  Some would disagree; however, those who know how to read the English language tend to side with me.

Anyway, enough of politics.  I’ve come to this place in my life where I look on in sadness as so many men that I know are abandoning the teachings of Jesus to return to a “gay” lifestyle.  Of course, they are completely free to do as they please; however, in order to prevent myself having increased temptations to join them in their, IMHO, misguided search for their own version of authenticity, I simply can’t join them.  I made a decision quite some time ago that, regardless of how difficult my path becomes or how often I stumble or fall on the way, I will continue moving forward and not regress.  I am married to a wonderful woman who I truly don’t deserve.  She is fully aware of my struggle with same-sex attraction and has an uncanny ability to know exactly when I’m having a serious struggle.  She has proven to be an invaluable support to me over the nearly quarter century of our marriage.  I can’t imagine my life without her and I certainly couldn’t ever imagine returning to the misery I lived in before I met her.

I’ve had all sorts of slurs hurled at me due to my conscious choice to remain outside the gay community and to focus on my own circumstances.  I’ve been called hateful, bigotted, evil, hypocritical.  All of these and more and uglier things from a group of people who claim to be tolerant and loving.  Somehow, it seems to me, the things I’ve been called by my newly “re-gayed” friends have called me fit more snugly on them than me.  I’ve not responded in kind to them.  I’m not their condemner.  Nope, according to the Scriptures, their own words will be used to judge them when the true Day of Judgement arrives for all mankind.  I’m perfectly open to having a conversation with these former friends if they could remain civil and demonstrate towards me the tolerance that they claim I lack.  In fact, I can’t recall what I said to any of my friends to warrant such indignation on their part.  All I did was say that I wish the well and that I’m not inclined to join them in their new pursuits.  I reaffirmed my personal commitment to following Jesus just as I have done for more than a quarter century and left it at that.  Now, they hurl insults at me so regularly that I’ve been forced to block them on social media.  Sad really.  Well, I’ve always been told that it takes all kinds to make the world go round.  I suppose, to some extent, that must be true.  As for me, I consciously choose to identify myself with Jesus and the completed work of the Cross, and not some feelings that are as fickle as the wind in winter.

I totally understand that feelings are very real and can be almost impossible to ignore; however, I personally believe that Jesus is where I find myself.  And I can only do that when I lay all that I am down at the foot of the Cross.  I must surrender to Jesus all of my rights in order to gain all that my Heavenly Father has for me.  Has it been easy?  Absolutely not!  Neither has it been easy for my friend who is on his fifth marriage after four others in which he had affairs with other women than his wife and was found out.  He finally found his peace in Jesus and learned what it means to identify with Jesus rather than with his natural fleshly desire to have sex with as many women as possible in a given 24-hour period.  He is now in a great marriage to a woman who is fully aware of his past and loves him unconditionally.  He has also submitted to accountability to ensure that he never finds himself tempted to do things in secret again.  He is a role model for me.

At any rate, that is where I am right now; not sure, still, how I really got here.  But I prefer to be here rather than back in the world of my old gay lifestyle.  Every life has challenges; I don’t want to add more to mine than I really need.

Maybe This Is Who I Am?

I do a lot of reading about many different topics; however, there is one topic that I prefer to avoid reading due to the modern biases towards “progressivism” among most authors and “journalists”.  The thing that irritates me more than anything else is the double standard that is being rammed down our throats today.  It’s perfectly fine to embrace and celebrate a “gay” lifestyle today.  After all, tolerance is the name of the game, right?  Tolerance for anyone who falls in line with the “progressive” narrative of the Left in the West.  However, men like I make the Left nervous.  How dare we decide that we don’t like the idea of embracing a lifestyle that in diametric opposition to the faith that I have willingly and wholeheartedly embraced.  A faith that is being maligned at every turn because it flies in the face of the “if it feels good, do it” attitude of many people today.  A faith that says many things in life are “sinful”; many things more than acting on “gay” feelings.  Of course, those who claim to be tolerant demonstrate none of that tolerance when faced with men like me who despise being told that we must fall into line with the supposed prevailing view of the majority of enlightened Americans.  Seems to me the “enlightenment” doesn’t extend to having an open mind to opposing views.

I wasn’t raised to be “gay”, nor do I like the idea of the term itself.  I have no problem with those who have embraced their self-perspective, their lifestyle, their feelings.  They have every right to do so and to be happy about it.  However, that also entitles me to the same rights and happiness about the life I choose to embrace instead of the one that makes others feel good about their own choices.  You see, I’m not responsible for the happiness of anyone other than me.  Happiness is a feeling and our feelings are our own property and, as such, under our control.  It is the concept of self-control.  I can choose to be happy in any situation despite the feelings that may be elicited by the circumstances.  For example, when a love one dies I naturally go through the process of grieving and mourning like anyone else.  However, in the midst of that process I find reasons to be happy that said loved one is no longer experiencing physical suffering; I find joy in knowing that, as far as I know, they are now in the presence of God and enjoying the rest and peace which I believe exists in His presence.

Also, in spite of my statement about not being raised to be “gay” I don’t believe I was born gay.  I’ve had a great deal of time to reflect on my life and to turn over pretty much every aspect of my life repeatedly.  After all my thought and consideration and after bouncing my memories and feelings off several trusted friends and mentors I am confident in saying that I developed my same-gender responses as a result of my coping strategies while being sexually molested and bullied throughout my whole life as a toddler, adolescent and teen.  Having been born as a more gregarious and outgoing child who enjoyed learning and socializing, the events that eventually overtook me began to press me back into myself where I eventually remained inside a protective shell that simultaneously prevented me receiving the kind of encouragement, mentoring and support that I needed during my most impressionable time of life.  My responses to the things that wounded me most deeply resulted in my missing out on the very things I needed to form my personality and desires as I should have.

I know there is no pat answer for why everyone who becomes “gay” as an adult got there.  I can only speak to my own journey, and I can tell you that many have attempted to persuade me that my perception of my journey is skewed.  To them I can only say, that is one opinion that I do NOT share.  My opinion is mine alone and I hold to it like a bolt holds a steel girder.  It makes me sick and quite angry when people who have no clue what my life has been presume that they know me.  My question to them is:  Who do you think you are to dictate to me how I must live my life?  Who died and made you the ultimate arbiters of right and wrong?  This “new” morality is really not that new.  The pages of history are littered with societies that decided that “old fashioned” morality was just too out of touch with their contemporary times.  And fairly quickly after they desensitized society to real right and wrong or simply rammed a “new” morality down the throats of the citizenry those societies began to crumble.  Families disintegrated and nations fell out of favor and ultimately collapsed under the weight of immoral and unnatural behavior patterns that didn’t fit with reality.

Those in positions of influence and power in our “modern” societies seem to think they are much more intelligent than those who tried to change society to a more “progressive” mode of living in the past.  That is always the way of men and women in power who have little self-esteem so they must lower society to be equal to them.  Regardless of the power and influence that many have today, I can tell you that – with little doubt – unless the balance of power shifts back to the traditional ways that such power will dissolve into chaos and will eventually force the return of the traditional ways of thinking just for the sake of the survival of the society that remains after the fall.  It is the history of the world written hundreds of times before.

So, you see, maybe a man who struggles with same-gender attraction and rejects it as a forgery is really who I am.  Maybe I don’t have to toe the line of modern society, and I certainly don’t think anyone in this society has any right whatsoever to tell me how I should respond to my struggle unless I voluntarily give them permission to speak into my life.  I have gathered around myself a group of trusted men who know my struggle and don’t try to sway me in any way.  They seek to support me in my struggle to be authentic to who I believe myself to be.  Who I believe I am far exceeds my feelings and my reactions to them.  I am so much more than mere feelings, attractions and reactions.  I am an adopted Son of the Most High God who loved me enough to give His One and Only Son as payment for all my sin so that He and I might have an intimate relationship that will fuel my journey through this world.  I am not my sexual attractions to men any more than a heterosexual man who has never had a single hint of a desire for another man is his own sexual attractions to women.  Just like that man who desires women has the obligation to be faithful to one woman, not run around sowing his seed into every woman he seeks to conquer, I have the obligation to be faithful to the wife I married and to honor the vows I made regardless of how I feel about it now.

That concept is called commitment.  It is a concept that is all too foreign to people today.  If “modern” and “progressive” people acquainted themselves with this concept in its most fundamental and traditional form we might actually have a better world.  You see, the progressives have been responsible for the rising chaos in this world today as they attack the very foundations upon which society was once built.  Picture this:  a high-rise building having its foundation assaulted by jackhammers as residents remain in place in their apartments.  No safety precautions have been taken and the foundation begins to crumble beneath the structure.  Eventually various points in the structure begin to predictably fail and it ultimately collapses and kills those who remain inside.  That is precisely what progressives are intentionally doing to Western society today and it is actually intended to cause the collapse of society with all the collateral death and mayhem associated with a structural collapse.  They don’t particularly care how many must die in order to turn our world on its head so long as they remain ensconced in their positions of authority and power over what remains in the smoldering ruins.  This, after all, has been the history of democracies since their inception in ancient Greece.  When the vigilance of the masses ceases it doesn’t take long for the corrupt halls of power to spawn those who seek to consolidate their power with deadly consequences.  If you take the time to objectively read the histories of the world’s democracies and you will see that our country, America, is following exactly the same pattern as those that have come before us.

Perhaps the people will wake up before it is too late; but I don’t hold out much hope for that.  Maybe I’m just a pessimist and a cynic, but I just don’t see, outside of my church, any desire on the part of Americans to put the brakes on the corruption that has infested the halls of government from City Hall to the United States Capitol and the White House.  We are no longer an honorable country who keeps commitments and treats one another with dignity and respect.  We’ve become a society of people who seek their own self-interest at the expense of civility and courtesy for others.  Yet we demand those same qualities be expressed towards us.  Oh, to be sure there are many pockets of common sense and proper manners around our country – even in the most liberal of states; however, they are becoming fewer and farther between as our leadership continues to divide and distract the masses with unimportant issues in order to obscure their real agenda of stripping the people of their power and dignity and rights.  The Constitution means nothing to most members of government today.  Most of them would go to the National Archives tonight and take very copy of it, shred it and burn it to ash if they thought they could get away with it.  In fact, I believe I may actually live to see that happen on live television or a live web stream as riotous cheers rise from the crowds.  That’s certainly what happened when the utterly illegal and contemptible ACA was passed by Congress.  That was the Left celebrating the first of what they hope to be many major victories in disassembling the American Republic on their path to torching its founding documents in favor of a “new” and “progressive” government that excludes only those who don’t agree with them.  A dictatorship which is the natural end of most democracies.  And sadly, those who have put their faith in government as their provider will be the ones who suffer first and the most severely.  Have a great night and sleep peacefully knowing that we have tonight; for one day there will be no peaceful night.

The Church Man And Men Like Me

There a many ways a man like I becomes who he is.  My path is probably significantly different to those of everyone else who arrived at the same destination.  Why is that?  Well, for starters, we all began in different places.  In case it isn’t obvious to some every family of origin is unique.  It makes little difference that my brothers and I have the same set of parents who were always there, never divorced, completely involved in our lives from the word “go”.  Each of my brothers has a household that is completely different to the one in which we all grew up together.  We all have unique personalities and chose our life partners in completely different ways.  For example, I, despite being the oldest was married second.  My middle brother married first to a woman whom he met at the drive-thru window of a local fast food restaurant.  They have two children and three grandchildren (and counting).  I married a woman whom I met, only in passing, while I was stationed overseas with the military.  We have no children – primarily due to my much stronger same-sex attractions.  My baby brother is in his fifth marriage to a woman he met while he was providing security services to a movie theater.  She already had two children from a previous relationship, and they have no biological children together.

Having said all that I have some questions for men in the modern, American church:  Why do you fear men who have same-gender attractions?  Are you afraid it is contagious?  Do you think we might “change” you?  Let me address these questions the best I can.

Is same-gender attraction contagious?  The last time I checked, people are perfectly capable of having sexual relationships with anyone they choose.  There are those hardy souls who are died-in-the-wool, card-carrying “ever-straights” who can’t even begin to imagine what it might feel like to be remotely attracted to someone of their own sex.  And why should they?  It isn’t exactly as if anyone or anything can require us to feel something in which we’ve never had an interest.  And, in my opinion, it is supremely arrogant of any group or individual to believe they have an inherent right or obligation to impose upon another an experience that they’ve never had or considered.  It should come naturally, if at all, not through the prompting of another.  We all like what we like for as many reasons as there are people who can like them.  So, unless one is already predisposed to like one’s own gender, it is not very likely that it can be “caught”.  And those who would seek to recruit you should be pitied because they have so little respect for themselves that they would present themselves to you essentially as an offering, and so little respect for you that you should just shake your head, thank them for the compliment and walk away.

Do you think we might “change” you?  Well, I’ll refer to the answers to the first question and then add that I’ve met a number of straight men whose interest was piqued by my mentioning what I struggle with.  I have a sort of gift, if you’ll indulge me, for picking out men who are predisposed to experimentation with same-gender relationships.  Most of them have been simply curious – nothing more.  They asked me some questions and that seemed to be the end of it…at least the end of my involvement in it.  At the end of the day the old adage applies:  No one can change anyone unless they want to change.  The desire for change is a prerequisite to any potential for change.  An alcoholic can’t stop drinking until he has decided that he’s had enough of drinking and wants to quit, and he can only do it with help – for the most part.  A drug addict can only quit in the same way.  A sexually promiscuous person can only become celibate if they want to become so.

There are many questions I get when I share my struggle.  So far, I’ve not been propositioned by a straight man; however, I have hooked up with men I’ve met via social media or on telephone chat lines.  Many of them were married, though most were single.  Most of them didn’t act any different to the men you might meet on a construction site or in a financial or legal office.  They weren’t looking for change; but, they were likely dealing with issues similar to my own.

The group of men with whom I meet now are a mixed bag who have all struggled with pornography and have had affairs on their wives.  After I shared my own struggles with them there were a couple of them who were encouraged to admit to some issues that bordered on my own.  At least one of them struggles with same-gender issues to a certain extent.  I must admit that I have a great deal of trouble handling my attraction to two or three of the men in the group; but, I’ve got a working relationship with several men to whom I can go to share my feelings and receive from them encouragement and prayer.  It is a really helpful situation and I feel included in a group of men with whom I would ordinarily feel completely at odds.

It is very important for men in the Church at large to understand to the nth degree that their acceptance and love of men who aren’t perfect is a vital component to their healing, restoration and integration into the wider church as parts of the Body of Christ…as we are supposed to be.  There are many good reasons why men like me leave the Church and run to the gay community.  The latter has a much better track record of making people feel included and important to the cohesiveness of group.  When men in the Church figure out that some of the most gifted and talented people on the planet are those of whom they are most afraid and that they are running them off from the very community for which God created them to help it might go a long way toward stemming the talent hemorrhage from the Church.  It is often surprising to see the transformation that takes place in the life of a SSA man when he is accepted into the family of Christ by men who are on the same path as we all are.  I, for one, find a great deal more strength when I’ve spent time with my brothers in Christ than when I’ve been denied that opportunity.

So, I want to call upon any man or woman who may be reading this, but especially the men, who may also be a believer in Jesus Christ and a follower of His ways, to reach out to those he/she may know who struggle with SSA or are just feeling left out.  I challenge you to bring them into your intimate circle of friends and find ways to serve them and to be served BY them for the benefit of their self-esteem, their souls, their future.  And I challenge you to see past the physical manifestations that may present themselves to see what God created that has been covered over by mannerisms, speech patterns or behaviors that you find uncomfortable or objectionable.  Let me know what you discover about God, the other person and yourself in the process.

Let’s Protest…Yeah, That’s Gonna Change Who God Is.

Amid all the uproars and pathetically transparent protests involving various causes over the course of the past year or so there have been a few that caught my eye on social media.  No, it has nothing to do with racism, or police, or crime, or violence.  The protests I’ve kept an eye are are those which I’ve also had the chance to witness first-hand.  They are the protests which are conducted at churches by people who don’t agree with the purpose of a meeting, conference or seminar that is being hosted by said church.

One such protest just seemed to scream, “Look at me and change what the Bible says to suit my personal narrative!”  I was attending a “Love Won Out” One-Day conference at a local church and was greeted by a small band of people who wanted me to forego my attendance at the conference because it made them feel excluded from the mainstream church.  Now, the thrust of the conference was to encourage, equip and support those of us whose struggle with same-gender attraction is something we want to win against.  I don’t go around and harass or attempt to persuade others who have the same sexualized feelings as do I to change or to join with me in this struggle.  Nope, not in this lifetime without a direct word from God or the Archangel Michael.  My struggle, and that of others like me, is very personal to us and we have enough to deal with to keep us disinterested in trying to persuade people that the choices they are making in how to respond to the same-gender attractions are somehow wrong.  I don’t answer for the choices of other people, I answer for my own choices.

I couldn’t help feeling sorry for these people as they stood out there on the side of the drive leading up to the church.  I completely understand how they feel.  No, really, I do.  I’ve often felt like just giving up the struggle and giving in to my sexual urges and saying, “To hell with it!”  I’ve questioned why I have these feelings when I object strenuously to their presence in my life, and I’ve asked God “Why?” a million times.  But I always get a stony silence when I ask that question.  What I have learned is that there are specific, medically demonstrable and visible facts about how the things that happened to me as a toddler began the cascade effect of brain structural changes that would dominate my life.  The latest scientific studies I’ve been reading and watching via video links and social media links are substantiated by several of my friends in the medical field.  The gist of them is that for every action in which we are participants, willing or not, there are structural changes that occur in the brain that create neural connections which are reinforced over time with repetition of the same or similar behaviors.

Now, I’m not going to debate these studies, which is the primary reason I’ve not referenced them here.  They are generally available when one searches the Internet for subjects such as “sexual behaviors and neural pathways”, “neural pathways and their response to repetitive behaviors”, etc.  The information is readily available to anyone having the desire to be fully informed about how people become “addicted” to various substances or behaviors.  And, if people want to ignore or decry the information they have the right to do so.  But, I’ve been encouraged to find that when I choose to intentionally engage a different set of behaviors that it begins to make the necessary chemical and neurological changes necessary to create new neural connections allowing for a completely different outcome for me.  That isn’t to say that is isn’t tough to do it.  I require a great deal of personal determination and the support of men who believe in me in order to continue moving forward.  I fail often and I admit it, get back up and move on to the next challenge…even if it looks exactly like the last challenge that I lost.

The reason I bring this up is because of the cultural phenomenon that is going on in Western Culture, in particular, that demonstrates an illogical idea about who God is.  For some God is a myth or a crutch.  For others He is very real and vengeful.  I’ve been in the latter camp before and found it disjointed from the Gospel.  One thing I’ve come to understand is that God isn’t afraid of my hard questions or my raised fist.  However, I will NOT change the fundamental characteristics of God by my puny protests, my political activism or my questions.  He remains eternally the same.  I’ve heard it put this way:  If I feel alone or that God is no longer real, it isn’t God who has moved or changed…it is me.

I had a brief encounter on social media this past week with a man who claimed to have been an active part of an Australian mega-church’s worship team who has now decided that God doesn’t exist and is working as hard as he can to have God excluded from the educational system in his homeland.  That’s all very fine and perfectly legal.  It is also within the realm of the freedom that God himself has given to that man and everyone else on Earth.  However, I’ve also participated in the activities of a mega-church and find that it is quite easy to become disconnected from God in the process of doing the work for all the wrong reasons.  I strongly suspect that Jesus’ parable of the farmer sowing seed onto various types of soil with the corresponding results would apply to this gentleman quite well.  So many people in the 21st century are seeking an experience rather than a relationship.  That applies, generally, across the board regardless of the area of life involved or the people with whom one lives or works.

What I’ve seen, far too often, is people joining a huge, modern church and becoming enamored of the technology and the popularity of the preacher instead of seeking a relationship with God.  Our church, and most mega-churches, encourage members to join small groups in order to form the types of life-changing relationships that are necessary to living as a follower of Jesus.  Without them it is quite possible to live as a follower of Jesus, but, it is much easier to do so in the company of men and women whose pursuit of God matches or enhances our own.  Scripture talks about how the worker who has no help is fine until he falls down and can’t get up on his own.  The key to success in any part of life is to engage in relationships with other like-minded individuals or groups.  It is the rare individual who can achieve success all on his/her own.

God can’t be change by our much protesting his “restrictive” instructions and impossible expectations.  However, when we fully submit our will to Christ we are empowered to become far greater than we could ever be on our own.  No man is an island.  We all affect someone else whether we realize it or not.  There is always someone watching our every move and discerning the value those actions have to them.  It is my hope to be an inspiration to anyone else who is struggling with same-gender attraction or same-gender fascination.

Coming To A Close, Or A New Beginning?

When people who know my complete story speak to me they are often perplexed about my perspective on the world.  In many ways it is a bit complicated; but, in other ways my perspective is really quite simple.  As I see the world human beings are all inherently selfish.  Yes, there are people who take the time to help someone else out and to do good.  Having served alongside some of these admirable men and women I can tell you, beyond a shadow of any doubt, that they are just as mortal and flawed as you or I.  In spite of their grand dreams and lofty goals they are simply shackled to reality in the same manner as the rest of us.

I’ve had the great fortune to be able to get to know some of the most successful people in music, business and politics and to see them when they are putting on their public face and when they were back down to earth with the rest of us.  I’ve seen them at their most amazing and successful and I’ve seen them crying, wondering why this goal or that dream seemed to die or reach a dead end.  Yes, in spite of the hype and the spin that those in public life like to put on for the media, they are just as human as the rest of us.  They all have their own dreams, goals, agenda, etc.

It makes me grateful to be a relative nobody for now.  I’m glad to have these moments in the shadows watching as my mentors and guides walk through the mine fields ahead of me to show me where it is safe, and to show me where even friends can lay treacherous traps.  I’ve learned to never, ever, under any circumstances whatsoever to trust anyone who holds an office of public trust.  If they were elected to their position they got their through deception, spin, greed, and the will of God.  If they were appointed or hired in the usual way they probably fudged on their resume’ or embellished their accomplishments during the interview process.  Are there any who are truly honest?  Perhaps…I’ve not met them, yet.

My perception of my friends is that they really do like me; but I often remind them of the seedy underside of their lives to such an extent that they often wish I would just give up my quest for purity and holiness and embrace a lifestyle that involves a same-gender relationship or “gay” activism.  I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but, I don’t presently have any plans to please them in that way.  I’ve got my eyes on a particular prize that exceeds the adulation of friends, family or even adoring strangers.  I have the goal of one day hearing my heavenly Father say, “Well done, my good and faithful servant; enter now into your eternal rest.”  I don’t want to hear Jesus say that He never knew me.

My goal in life is quite simple:  To seek God with everything that is in me so that I can learn to love myself as much as He does, and to love my neighbor as much as I love myself.  I’m not even close to achieving the first element of that process; but, I’m confident that God has me in the palm of His hand.  I used to see seeking God and abandoning my old ways of thinking as an end unto itself.  When I viewed it in that way it seemed quite sad and depressing.  However, when I began to see it as the opportunity to uncover a greater and higher life than what I’ve had so far it made me keenly aware of how it is like a rebirth.  It is a refreshing that I can obtain in no other manner.

I’ve had a couple of long-term same-gender relationships and found a certain level of satisfaction in them.  However, there was always something missing, regardless of how intimate they and I became.  There was always a void that I simply could not fill.  I came to realize that this void is shaped like God and that only Jesus is able to properly fit and fill it.  So, I challenge those of you who anonymously read this blog to stop, take the time to honestly reflect on your own lived experience and the things you’ve learned over a lifetime.  Test it to see if it meets every need that you have or if there is something lacking.  If you have embraced a same-gender-attracted lifestyle wholeheartedly and believe that you’ve achieved your ultimate happiness in doing so then I applaud you and wish you all the best in the remainder of your life.  However, if you find that there is still something lacking I would ask you to take the time to evaluate where you really want to be in five years, in ten years, when you’re 85 years old.

I don’t claim to have all the answers, but I know the One who does.  I would encourage you to seek out the fellowship of Christ-followers in your local community whose goal is to do life together in community and who are transparent about their lives.  It may be in a small local fellowship or a mega-church.  Whatever suits your current way of doing life should serve as your guide to the congregation that best meets your need for the guidance of others who are on the same journey of becoming more like Jesus every day.

I hope you’ve all had an excellent Thanksgiving Holiday and that you will be encouraged by the things I write.  I hope that you can watch as my transformation takes place and that it provides you with the inspiration you need to take your next step toward Jesus.  He’s standing at the door with His arms open wide; all you need to do is open the door and invite Him to join you for supper.