There a many ways a man like I becomes who he is. My path is probably significantly different to those of everyone else who arrived at the same destination. Why is that? Well, for starters, we all began in different places. In case it isn’t obvious to some every family of origin is unique. It makes little difference that my brothers and I have the same set of parents who were always there, never divorced, completely involved in our lives from the word “go”. Each of my brothers has a household that is completely different to the one in which we all grew up together. We all have unique personalities and chose our life partners in completely different ways. For example, I, despite being the oldest was married second. My middle brother married first to a woman whom he met at the drive-thru window of a local fast food restaurant. They have two children and three grandchildren (and counting). I married a woman whom I met, only in passing, while I was stationed overseas with the military. We have no children – primarily due to my much stronger same-sex attractions. My baby brother is in his fifth marriage to a woman he met while he was providing security services to a movie theater. She already had two children from a previous relationship, and they have no biological children together.
Having said all that I have some questions for men in the modern, American church: Why do you fear men who have same-gender attractions? Are you afraid it is contagious? Do you think we might “change” you? Let me address these questions the best I can.
Is same-gender attraction contagious? The last time I checked, people are perfectly capable of having sexual relationships with anyone they choose. There are those hardy souls who are died-in-the-wool, card-carrying “ever-straights” who can’t even begin to imagine what it might feel like to be remotely attracted to someone of their own sex. And why should they? It isn’t exactly as if anyone or anything can require us to feel something in which we’ve never had an interest. And, in my opinion, it is supremely arrogant of any group or individual to believe they have an inherent right or obligation to impose upon another an experience that they’ve never had or considered. It should come naturally, if at all, not through the prompting of another. We all like what we like for as many reasons as there are people who can like them. So, unless one is already predisposed to like one’s own gender, it is not very likely that it can be “caught”. And those who would seek to recruit you should be pitied because they have so little respect for themselves that they would present themselves to you essentially as an offering, and so little respect for you that you should just shake your head, thank them for the compliment and walk away.
Do you think we might “change” you? Well, I’ll refer to the answers to the first question and then add that I’ve met a number of straight men whose interest was piqued by my mentioning what I struggle with. I have a sort of gift, if you’ll indulge me, for picking out men who are predisposed to experimentation with same-gender relationships. Most of them have been simply curious – nothing more. They asked me some questions and that seemed to be the end of it…at least the end of my involvement in it. At the end of the day the old adage applies: No one can change anyone unless they want to change. The desire for change is a prerequisite to any potential for change. An alcoholic can’t stop drinking until he has decided that he’s had enough of drinking and wants to quit, and he can only do it with help – for the most part. A drug addict can only quit in the same way. A sexually promiscuous person can only become celibate if they want to become so.
There are many questions I get when I share my struggle. So far, I’ve not been propositioned by a straight man; however, I have hooked up with men I’ve met via social media or on telephone chat lines. Many of them were married, though most were single. Most of them didn’t act any different to the men you might meet on a construction site or in a financial or legal office. They weren’t looking for change; but, they were likely dealing with issues similar to my own.
The group of men with whom I meet now are a mixed bag who have all struggled with pornography and have had affairs on their wives. After I shared my own struggles with them there were a couple of them who were encouraged to admit to some issues that bordered on my own. At least one of them struggles with same-gender issues to a certain extent. I must admit that I have a great deal of trouble handling my attraction to two or three of the men in the group; but, I’ve got a working relationship with several men to whom I can go to share my feelings and receive from them encouragement and prayer. It is a really helpful situation and I feel included in a group of men with whom I would ordinarily feel completely at odds.
It is very important for men in the Church at large to understand to the nth degree that their acceptance and love of men who aren’t perfect is a vital component to their healing, restoration and integration into the wider church as parts of the Body of Christ…as we are supposed to be. There are many good reasons why men like me leave the Church and run to the gay community. The latter has a much better track record of making people feel included and important to the cohesiveness of group. When men in the Church figure out that some of the most gifted and talented people on the planet are those of whom they are most afraid and that they are running them off from the very community for which God created them to help it might go a long way toward stemming the talent hemorrhage from the Church. It is often surprising to see the transformation that takes place in the life of a SSA man when he is accepted into the family of Christ by men who are on the same path as we all are. I, for one, find a great deal more strength when I’ve spent time with my brothers in Christ than when I’ve been denied that opportunity.
So, I want to call upon any man or woman who may be reading this, but especially the men, who may also be a believer in Jesus Christ and a follower of His ways, to reach out to those he/she may know who struggle with SSA or are just feeling left out. I challenge you to bring them into your intimate circle of friends and find ways to serve them and to be served BY them for the benefit of their self-esteem, their souls, their future. And I challenge you to see past the physical manifestations that may present themselves to see what God created that has been covered over by mannerisms, speech patterns or behaviors that you find uncomfortable or objectionable. Let me know what you discover about God, the other person and yourself in the process.
pauseforthought1961 